this season of life

It’s been awhile since I poured all my emotions into a post so today seemed like a good day to do that. 🙂 I’ve been struggling lately with many things and most of them revolve around being a stay at home mom.

“When the winds of change blow, remember… sometimes what appears dead is simply preparing for a new season.”

— Jane Lee Logan

I am in a season of my life that is really really hard. I get why many stay at home moms are on the verge of depression. I get it because I’m one of them. When I had McKenzie and Kasey, I went to work every day while they went to daycare. They were being active and stimulated all day and I was able to have adult interaction. We had a break from each other. Yes, I missed them when we were a part but it was nice to have some separation.

I know what you’re thinking… well go get a job again. It’s not that simple with four kids. Financially it doesn’t make sense for us. My husband works A LOT — I’m talking 60 hour work weeks. He will work 16 hour shifts, come home to sleep right up until he has to leave for his next shift. It’s hard. It’s hard on him because he’s exhausted and its hard on me because I’m then stuck at home with no help and no breaks.

My house is always a mess, which gives me major anxiety. Crumbs smashed into the carpet, dog hair all over the furniture, dishes stacked in the sink and THE TOYS. My laundry is piled up in mountains (not even exaggerating). UGH. At the end of the day, I’m mentally exhausted from chasing babies and the last thing I want to do is clean and cook dinner. Half the time my husband isn’t here to eat dinner but when he is, I feel guilty about not having anything prepared. So, we eat out.

“Every day may not be good but there is something good in every day.”

I cry… a lot. Sometimes I’m not sure why I’m even crying. I will go into my bathroom and let the tears pour down, take a deep breath, wipe them away and open the door like nothing just happened. There are days when I don’t feel like speaking to anyone or even getting dressed. Sure, I have a lot of good days too. I just find myself hitting a breaking point more often than usual. The babies are at an age where they need my constant attention because they NEVER stop moving. I don’t dare leave my house alone with them. I’m sure a lot of moms know that feeling of trying to check out with your cart full of groceries while your child is screaming their head off. You’re embarrassed, sweating and just want to get the hell out of there. Imagine that x2. Two babies vs. one parent doesn’t mix. So, we don’t leave the house.

I feel frustrated about things that are out of my control. I feel sad that I’m not enjoying every minute with my kids. I feel angry that my husband can’t be here to help me more. I feel jealous of all my kidless friends who get to sip coffee at a coffee shop and not have a toddler screaming next to them. I feel guilty just typing this post because I’m so lucky to have a healthy family while there are other families who have deeper issues than me. There are moms who are crying at night wondering when they are going to see that positive pregnancy test. Moms who would give anything to be in my shoes. Everyone is fighting their own battles and currently this is mine. Should you feel guilty about your feelings? No you shouldn’t, but I do.

I know I will get through this. Things will get better. The twins will get older and years down the road I’ll think back and laugh about these days.  It’s just one of many seasons of my life. I wanted to share this very personal side of my life because I want other moms to know they aren’t alone. Facebook and Instagram only share tiny little slivers of your world. Situational depression is a real thing and it can be hard to talk about. You don’t want people to think you’re an inadequate mother. I get it. We have an around the clock job that can make you feel like you have no purpose. We don’t get praised or recognized at how hard we work. Honestly, no one knows how hard we work, not even our husbands. This doesn’t mean we don’t LOVE being a mom… because we do. It’s just really REALLY hard.

Mamas, you are strong, worthy and amazing at what you do. Keep chugging coffee, hiding in bathrooms, or anything else you need to do to survive the day. Life is not going to be like this forever.

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

— Albus Dumbledore